Romance scammers often use coercive control, not just deception, to make victims easier to manipulate. The relationship may be fake, but the psychological pressure and resulting harm can be very real.

For ScamHaters United, some of the clearest tactics to educate people about are:

* Isolation: They gradually discourage contact with friends and family, especially anyone questioning the relationship. “They’re jealous of us” or “Don’t tell anyone—they won’t understand.”

* Constant contact and monitoring: Morning-to-night messages can initially feel romantic. Later, the scammer may demand to know where the victim is, why they didn’t answer, or who they were with.

* Creating emotional dependency: Love bombing, pet names, promises of marriage and talk of a shared future can make the scammer seem like the victim’s primary source of affection and reassurance.

* Testing compliance: Requests may begin small—keep something secret, download an app, receive a package, open an account—and escalate once the victim becomes accustomed to complying.

* Punishment and withdrawal: When the victim refuses money or questions inconsistencies, affection can suddenly disappear. The scammer may become angry, cold, accusatory or threaten to end the relationship.

* Guilt and obligation: “If you really loved me, you’d help.” “After everything we’ve been through, how can you abandon me?” Money is reframed as proof of love.

* Manufactured emergencies: Illness, arrests, customs problems, frozen accounts, business crises and travel problems create urgency. The victim is pressured to act emotionally rather than stop and verify.

* Gaslighting: When confronted with contradictions, scammers may deny what happened, change the story or accuse the victim of being distrustful. Over time, this can undermine confidence in the victim’s own judgment.

* Fear and intimidation: Once scammers possess intimate photos, financial information or personal secrets, some move from romance fraud into threats or blackmail.

* Intermittent reinforcement: Affection, conflict, crisis and reconciliation can form a powerful cycle. After frightening or upsetting the victim, the scammer becomes loving again—strengthening the victim’s hope that the earlier relationship has returned.

A particularly important educational point is that the financial request isn’t necessarily the beginning of the scam. By the time substantial money is requested, weeks or months may have been spent establishing attachment, secrecy, obligation and compliance.

That also explains why telling someone, “Obviously it’s a scam—just block them,” may not work. You’re asking them not only to recognize fraud but to break away from a relationship in which someone has deliberately manipulated their emotions, trust and decision-making.

For public awareness messaging, a useful distinction is:

Love bombing creates attachment.

Isolation removes competing voices.

Crisis creates urgency.

Guilt creates obligation.

Control makes saying “no” harder.

Then the scammer asks for money.

And an important message for families is: don’t ridicule the person being targeted. Shame can drive someone further toward the scammer and make the scammer’s claim that “everyone is against us” more convincing. Calmly preserving contact and helping verify claims independently is generally much more constructive.

If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact us. 

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